Creating new stories, to create a new life
How we have to let go of the old, and tell ourselves new stories
This week I am re-reading the amazing book Cassandra Speaks by Elizabeth Lesser. And it invites me to have a deeper look at the way we talk about ourselves, about history and the believes we have created because of it. It is interesting to see how much of my ideas about my life are rooted in the beliefs that have been forced upon me through the stories we tell each other.
I am someone who has always questioned the status quo. But I also felt incapable of changing things. I decided a long time ago that I wanted to be a woman. I didn’t want to work in a male dominated system, but that I also didn’t want to suppress my femininity by taking hormones. I wanted to feel it all, even though that meant that I had to push through the physical and emotional pain I was experiencing every month because of the endometriosis in my body.
Because of this condition I have never been able to work in a company with a male focused schedule. I tried so many times to be just one of them, but it was impossible. Talking about my condition was inappropriate on the work floor and taking time of during my period was no option in the companies I worked. You just didn’t do it. You just forced yourself to be strong every day.
This week I learned (thanks to a course by the amazing Irina Verwer) that endometriosis is a condition that is chronic and does not only come up during your period. It is there every day of the month, because it causes a lot of more symptoms in your body besides the painful periods. For more than 30 years I have experienced pain on so many levels in my body that I can’t even count them anymore. But I always tried to push through, because people told me not to be weak. And also, because I knew that I would be ill for 3 or 4 days a month while I am bleeding. And I wanted to get things done in our production-focused society.
I am no different than anyone else, I guess… I still think that I am a human doing instead of a human being.
But the course changed my view on a lot of things. The realisation that Endometriosis and her sister condition Adenomyosis are chronic diseases gave me a whole different perspective on the life I have been living.
Because of this condition I had to create a life that suits me best, because the way the world was created didn’t fit me with this condition. So, I have created my own company and work for myself for most of my working life. I have stepped out of the rat race and moved to another country, I am making a work schedule that fits my needs, so I can give my best to my clients.
I realise that I have always been ashamed of this condition. I hated my periods and always wanted it to be over and done with. I didn’t want the pain and suffering. I tried a lot of different things to heal myself holistically, and I had the feeling nothing really worked. I have been telling myself I am not worthy of a healthy body, that it can’t be true to heal yourself and that the only option is taking hormones to feel better.
And then I realised this is not true…
Because at this moment in my life:
the pain is less than it has ever been, I can manage the pain with less painkillers than ever before;
I have created an intuitive schedule that helps me to be with the pain for a couple of days and no one will notice it;
and most of all, I am not feeling bad every day of the month, I am living a life that fits me with all that I am.
So, when I change my story, what will I tell myself from now on?
Yes, I live with a condition that makes life hard, but in the meanwhile, it has given me the opportunity to completely change the way I live. I have the time to rest when I need and want to, because I have created that freedom. I absolutely enjoy my good days, the days in which I love my life, my work and all that I create. I have been successful in a different way than success is normally defined, but I have created a life that suits me and not the needs of others.
When I look at it from this perspective, I can see how much has changed. I had to make very hard decisions in the past, just because I couldn’t handle life the way I was supposed to live it as a single woman in a system where you are asked to be producing constantly. It has been tough. But it is over and done now. I am in a better place, giving myself more and more space to be at peace with where I am in life.
When we change our stories, we can change our system. And when we are able to change our personal stories, we will be able to change the world we live in.
